You won't win.

motherfucker. if you're going to be like that, I fucking will leave and I will be so far away. That you will never find me. But my God, if I ever come looking for you, watch your fucking back.

Because it's people like you who deserve the shit, that the innocent have to go through.

Failure

If I left, would you care?

But really what's to miss?

A little more faith.

I feel so spoiled, I truly aren't grateful enough.

I worked so hard to achieve my goal, and I did.

I've finally reached peace of mind in an area that is truly difficult to attain. But I didn't do it alone, I had been blessed to begin with and while there was a lot of work on my part. A significant proportion of it was due to luck and factors that are beyond my control.

I don't feel grateful enough to God, there are so many things he has blessed me with. Even though I do complain occasionally, my complaints pale in comparison to the gifts I have received so much that, the faults I find truly do become almost completely transparent. I should pray more often.

~While I have been humbled, the Lord has made me proud, but not of myself~

Such mental fortitude he has given me....

† roads

for 2 months I've been at a crossroads.

I think I've finnaly chosen a path and it feels like the right path.

For the record, it's not a path that resembles anything of my last blog.

maybe if I stick to it, I'll meet and talk with God.. :)

Death's palace

When I was a small boy, I was afraid of the dark. I was afraid of what could be hiding there and I was afraid that if I came into it no one would find me.

But now as I stand outside looking up and those colossal maroon clouds in the night. I see a vision of the inside of a palace, a palace so large I don't think words could do it justice, it was of such a grand size. I actually felt like an ant and I am not exaggerating.

This enormous palace gave no sense of atmosphere or feeling, it was if I no longer breathed and no action i could ever take would cause any consequence. I looked around, the architecture was grand on a supernatural level, as if it belonged to a being or force beyond understanding, comprehension on any level human. I felt like a ghost.

I looked up the massive pillars of gold to see the ceiling, it would have put the Sistine chapel to shame in terms of grandeur. Maroon clouds on a black sky painted on the dome of the ceiling as I had first seen, it was a truly amazing sight. Even though it was just a night sky with maroon clouds, I was at a loss for words. I fell to my knees as the ceiling's sheer detail overwhelmed me, the golden pillars had continued up from the walls and cornices on to the painted ceiling to meet in the centre, although soon as they left the walls they became thin strips of gold that travelled across the dome. As I took in this amazing scene before me I noticed the clouds, when the whole ceiling was taken into view the painting formed the shape of a skull. Then it became apparent that the cornices were adorned in golden skulls, then upon further realization i discovered they adorned every decorative piece of architecture.

Yet I did not feel fear.

In fact I enjoyed it, this amazing gold,black and maroon palace. Its Gothic theme and the stillness i felt.

But then a door appeared on the wall, left of me and I felt the need to open it. As if I had my time and it was time to move on to the next thing. So I left.

The door lead me into complete darkness and I walked in unafraid, because as I've matured I've grown to like the dark. I fucking love it, like when I'm waiting outside for my dad to pick me up from basketball training, I love being the only one outside waiting and it's completely silent. It's so relaxing. It puts me at ease. Or like when I put the bins out at ten-thirty at night, I love the quite. It's as if the world has been frozen in time and I'm the only one alive.

I like the idea of being able to walk outside, into the dark. By myself or with someone close and feel complete privacy and peace of mind, that I can walk in peace with out needing to worry about bumping into old acquaintances or saying hello to friends. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing my friends and people I haven't seen in a long time. But sometimes it feels so nice to be alone for once.

Maybe it's because I've grown up in a house full of brothers, it's always been loud and there's always been activity. Maybe it's because I so rarely get to enjoy silence and stillness of mind. Either way it's unimportant.

Although this palace I envisioned, gave me the impression that it belonged to death or was associated with death or simply what lies at the end of our physical life. Being in the palace felt as if that time had no power and it's influence was as weak as a crumpled sheet of paper found in a puddle. That it made not one ounce of difference.

But it's just nice knowing I can go and disappear into the dark and just simply be.

Yet there is comfort knowing, that I don't have to go alone and I can share this with another.

Awe.

Surprisingly I found some wisdom yesterday, coming from the mouth of one who'd be deemed mad by majority of the world.

Anyone would look at him and think he isn't normal or that he's just plain out of his mind, but I think he has more sanity that any one of us. Perhaps the world is mad and he is sane. One of the few.

But now I see the lifestyle he shares with those lucky few, a life where it's exciting, different, where you see amazing and rare things. Where those sensations that you crave are within reach and you are with those who are willing chase them.

Even if we don't catch them, the simple thrill of the chase is enough.

iV

exuberant

to show unrestrained emotion or feeling.

although generally used in regard to joy.

stretch.

And Shepherd's we shall be,
for thee my lord for thee.
Power hath descended forth from thy hand,
that our feet may swiftly carry out thy command.
So we shall flow river forth to thee,
and teeming with souls shall it ever be.
In nomine patris,
et fillii,
et spiritus sancti.

this was stuck in my head lols.

This is why I don't sleep during the day.

I hate waking up like this.

I hate waking up when everyone else is awake, I hate waking up when everyone else is asleep.

Why is that?

Don't leave me to sleep. I don't want to be the only one awake, I don't want to be the only one asleep.

weird huh?

Papa Mama Nozomare Nu Baby

My Renaissance.

Time for revival, time for ressurection, time for healing, time for breathing, time for heartbeats, time for focus, time for living.

Time to try something new.

Note to self.

Okay, I've made an idiot of myself againnnnn.

Seriously it's like if I show any form of negative emotion or any inkling that I'm insecure about myself. To my friends, I'm an idiot. So from now on, I'm not going to talk about it.

I'm not going to ask for help because there's no point. It's now obvious how I should act, but really you can't please anyone. People say you're too quiet so you talk more, but of course if you talk too much you make a fool of yourself. So from now on, I take no one's advice. I listen to no one and I will tell no one.

actually fuck it, I just don't care if you think I'm an idiot.

you fucking pathic excuse for a person.