Desiderata

Desiderata.

I tried to kill that part of me last night.

I couldn't do it,I didn't have an other's heart and hands to guide my shaking hands but that wasn't the true reason. I realised that part of me is what keeps me tame, what keeps me that sentimental person. Even though it pains me to keep it alive, I need it and I'd miss it terribly if I lost it. I guess it's what makes me who I am, whether I like it or not, so I should learn to feel comfortable with it. So I pray my Friends remind me every so often to keep it alive.

_The Last Days_

Oh how I love this book, I secretly know why it 'truly' intrigues my so, but I won't tell you, not yet at least. It's suspense has such quality that I cringe in love for it, I grin like like my wicked Hyde Grins, from ear to ear with a malevolent smile. It almost too much for me to handle, I love books with this touch to them, that aspect that I hold such awe for. Although its writing isn't filled with articulate grace it has that basic Solidity, like comparing a mesh fence to a brick wall.

Another thing I've come to realise is that I take things too seriously, so from now on I'm going to learn to be a little more carefree. :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Questions.

Is it possible to destroy a part of you? A part of you that has been with you since the beginning? I feel that this segment of who I am may be the reason of my deepest melancholy, I think I could kill it. But I'm unsure, should I kill it? This part of me I refer to is an emotion, a mindset, an emptiness, a 'lack there of', a personality trait, there's a million other ways to describe this part of me but it's intertwined so deeply into my sense of self that it would scare me to kill it or even wound it. Would I lose a valuable part of me? would I become shallow? Would a different trait fill its place? Maybe I would become something I hate. Maybe its death would leave a gaping wound, maybe it would bring understanding.

Either way, this still comes down to the simple unavoidable obstacle that "I simply don't know the answer".

If i am to kill this part of me, I do not think I could do it solo. I have the means but I lack the nerve. If i were to hold the knife above its defenceless body, my hands would be shaking. I would need a smooth pair of hands to guide me, to show me the motion which I know so well, yet need the support of an other's heart. For my heart is in turmoil and needs another for direction.

I fear regret.

Stalemate.

Dr. Jekyll never received his miracle, yet he is up and fighting again. Well he is a doctor. He and Hyde are still fighting, together in a grapple. None of them are making progress yet are still trying throw each other down. But for the moment this will do for me. But anyway, off the subject of inner conflicts.

 This world is quite an interesting place. Some of its inhabitants bore me to tears and yet some of you, I am so interested it almost pains me to stop conversing with you. You might seem to show no emotion and hide behind your hardened Façade. Or you might show such emotion that I may not even have to see your face, but can see liquid feelings dripping from your very being, staining the path you walk. If only emotion could truly manifest, then the school halls would be decked with every colour and shade.

Paint my world with colours of the brightest spectrum.     :]

Conflict.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde are still fighting....

Two separate personalities in one body, each one fighting for dominance. Dr. Jekyll's always been dominant as he was the original, but now he's hanging on for dear life. Hanging on a cliff, with Hyde's boot crushing his fingers.

Hyde and Jekyll's conflict has been going for over sixteen years, Jekyll is a weaker, kinder, easily hurt and caring person, with a tinge of melancholy. Yet Hyde is an arrogant, competitive,carefree, pain inflicting extrovert. I don't have a side because I am both and neither. There are usually ups and downs in the conflict, one may be winning but the next day he may be losing dismally. But lately Jekyll has suffered too many hard hits to the chest and has been coughing up blood, wiping it all over the walls as he struggles to stand. Hyde in the main time savouring this occasion, watching yet not acting, giving no input as Jekyll is already on the verge of death. He feels compelled to run over with his knife and deal the final blow, yet his time has yet not come. So he is merely waiting, watching the clock.

Soon enough Hyde's time will come and he will torment Jekyll for a few beautiful minutes, so beautiful in fact that he'll cringe in delight then end his sorry life. So Jekyll needs a miracle if he still has the will to fight, maybe he'll get it before Mr.Hyde's watchful eye sees the timer hit zero. Or maybe Jekyll will watch Hyde walk over to him, grinning ear to ear.