almost a sudden realisation.

Lately I've been thinking that it feels like I've lost the ability to get close with any one anymore. I thought about it and I've had some great friendships in the past but lately I haven't been able to get particularly close with anyone lately. Feeling that everyone all of a sudden has stopped wearing their heart on their sleeve and locked it up so deep inside that if I ever went looking for it I'd only find the faintest of heartbeats. But today made me realise that they haven't locked up their hearts, I've just locked up mine. I hadn't realised to be honest, but I've been afraid of getting hurt so my attempts to find that closeness have been half hearted. I'm glad i realised this, funnily enough in someone who I can see myself in sometimes. looks like that someone is a few steps in front, but maybe it's just maturity. 

Who knows I lose track of things these days, not as sharp as I once was. Oh well whatever, I'll get it back soon enough. Either way I've lost my enthusiasm that I had at the start of this blog, next time I won't type gradually over an hour of doing a million other things at the same time. So next time I'll focus on writing alone. Even if this blog doesn't resolve any conflicting thoughts of mine at the moment I don't mind, it was probably just an average day full of emotions varying a little too wildly. 

♫Time is running out FTW! ;D♪

so yeah fuck it,cbf LOL

Catch.

I'm a little hurt at the current turn of events.

I've noticed, that you are unintentionally selfish about this whole thing. That I'm nothing more than being used. I've been shielding away awkward moments and keeping the situation relatively normal, keeping things free from suspicion and the rest of things that sap the enjoyment out of things. 

You've made no attempt at all to understand any of us, you are so focused on you goal that we're all beginning to realise that we're nothing but the dullest of animated manikins in your eyes. Well.. I know I am to say the least.

Still, I can tell that the emotions you are forcing us to feel are not intentional. A little appreciation is all I ask, a little tap on the shoulder to see how we're doing. But you're continuing on like this is.Expected from us? Expected to do as we're told and that no communication simply means your not doing anything wrong.

Just stop and think about what you're sacrificing in order to attain what you so deeply desire, think about how everybody else feels about this and think about how you're going about this. Completely sacrificing anything and everything won't make the road any easier. Some sacrifices are necessary I grant you that but completely ignoring the world and people around you who care about you. It won't help, it won't help you and it won't help anyone else.

So should you ever reach ever your goal, which I hope you will and God forbid that you should lose what you've aspired to gain. It will leave you utterly broken and you may find yourself more alone than before you started. Before you aimed for such heights. So don't be so desperate and selfish in you goals and should you fall you'll find that there are many hands willing to catch you.

Cure; why did it happen, how did it happen and how can I fix it?

I'm sick of this, I'm sick of saying its about perspective. Which is fair enough, life can seem better or worse depending on how you look at it, but I keep looking at the negative side. I can go back to the positive but before I know it, I'm back to the negative. So something must be making me look at the negative side, because it isn't natural for me to be so cynical. 

It's like I keep falling over, I stand up again to run for a couple of steps but I fall over again. The cycle repeats.

I used to be able to run for miles and miles and never fall, I used to be untouchable, invincible, nothing could break my spirit.

So why am I so weak now, why can't I even stand up for more than a few seconds?

I prided my self with my resilience. Now I struggle to keep pieces together, I feel my muscles straining to as I pull each part of me closer together, trying to keep my self as 'one' and not just group of emotions, perspectives, attitudes and personalities.

Offspring.

♪ Dearly  beloved are you listening? I can't remember a word that you were saying, are we demented or am I disturbed? The space that's in between insane and insecure. ♫

Once again I've forgotten that the world is what you perceive it to be, if you think it's depressing it's a bleak world. If you think its full of happiness it's a beautiful world, it's all in your head.

All these blogs; depressing or uplifting are truly just the product of teenage mood swings having sex with creativity. (what a fucked up way of putting it) Which is more or less true.

Either way I'm going to take on all criticism, opinions and any comment in general from anyone with a light hearted approach. Appreciate the positive ones of course but simply acknowledge the existence of the negative. Or something similar.

Losing Connection.

hmmm I'm not sure.

~ am I 'doing' something wrong or is it the usual answer; "Noooo, you're not doing anything wrong but...I don't know"~

~I really don't know anything anymore~

~Can someone tell me why?~

~Everyone knows why, but they won't tell me~

~If I do know the answer...~

~Can I change it?~

~Can I fix it? ~

~Just accept it~

~But that's so cruel~

~He'll live~

~Again?~

~Start again~

~no point, I never found out what was wrong~

~What was wrong, What I did wrong, What I said wrong~

~Wrong~

Soon enough.

hmm I haven't said anything in a few days, I guess i should post a new blog.

Today was one of those days were you just feel happy for no reason. The day wasn't colourful and bright but I couldn't get the grin off my face, I feel like if I don't suppress this smile and leave it undiluted it will become permanent. Weight has been lifted off my shoulders, yet it has been replaced with something just as heavy. I'm not happy for the simple shift of weight but the change in the 'type' of weight. Personal and social issues are slowly disappearing and things are returning to normal, although the weight of that has been replaced with work ,deserving an equal amount of concern and worry, I still feel relieved. Probably because people matter more to me than any amount of work, to me the two things are incomparable, people and relationships will always gain dominance.

Anyway, my blogs lately have been to philosophical and too wishy washy. Too lame, not dark enough, it needs a bit of dirt. Otherwise this is gonna turn into fuckn sesame street or playschool.

I really can't decide who I am can I? haha

oh well, I'll find out eventually.

Full of Heart. Teach me and the rest of the world.

I was lying back watching, images flying past. Gray,dull and dark images. This place, this dirty dodgy,corrupted old place. Your in it. You shouldn't be, there's far too much shadow, in the landscape, the very place we sit and in those around you, probably including me but mines been locked up. You're too innocent, too full of childish excitement. You don't belong here, you could be so easily hurt here physically and mentally and I can see around me the products of being exposed to it. Even people with a heart like yours can be influenced, yet you show no signs of it. Maybe you can't be corrupted by it, I'm not sure. Still I have the urge to keep you from it, feel like I should protect you from it.

The world needs more people like you, this world could be o' so much brighter. Those days when you get up and walk outside, to see a bright blue sky, so bright that it almost brings tears to look at it. Not because it's too bright but because such a beautiful thing exists. When the sun warms your heart and the rest of the world, days when the world is at ease and everything is warm and welcoming. Days when nowhere is uninviting, days where no one is inhumane, cruel, broken or crying. Those few days. Those few days when heaven descends to earth, to show what this place could really be like. 

Ultimately the past and future don't matter. It's the present, if the people of the present can make this world bright it's all that matters.  Because then future can be changed on a whim, no matter what we do, so we should show the next generation how to keep this world bright and maybe they can show us and their future generations how to make it even brighter.

~Strive to brighten~

:]

Free.

hmmm, I may have passed a mile stone today. Hyde has been so very tempted today, yet I've managed to keep him under lock and key, while at the same time keep Dr. Jekyll's depressing conclusions free from my mind. Maybe I've found a way to free myself of their influence? The end of today was great, I didn't have to worry about anything at all, it wasn't even a conscious effort to keep Hyde and Jekyll locked up by that time. Even when tempted.  I feel the strength that left me  so long a go, my life is now filled with enthusiasm :] I'm not gonna let anything silly or small get under my skin. Not even the smallest of splinters.

The colour of the sky, the moon and the brightness of the sun are all so vibrant now. Even the dullest gray is bright, :)