bad timing

I may be a bit delirious.

I just spent 10 minutes are arguing with mum about why we don't have a Safeway shopping trolley in the freezer. As well as how 'we used to have one'.

haha sounds stupid; but at the time it made sense :)

and FUCKING RAGEEEEE

I was trying to sleep and every time I heard my computer play the tune indicating somebody had signed on msn, I forced my eyes open and with blurry vision checked the computer screen. To see if it was you or not. I did that for a good amount of time until I decided.

"Ahh doesn't look like she's coming, I'm sure she'd nudge me or ring if she came online" and with that I went to sleep.

Unfortunately that was around about the same time you did decide to sign on.

ahh fuck me T_T

I missed you. Literally.

:(

blaghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

MAN DOWN, I NEED A MEDIC D:

ahhh i feel so sickkkkkk. IT'S TERRIBLE D:

literally half a litre of antibiotics amongst other things.

oh wells these tablets are awesum, much better pain relief than panadol.

ITS....GOD LIKEEE :D lmaoooo

and im not high or addicted :)

-insert sad face here-

wahhhhhhhhhhhhh dont get to see talk 2 my baby til friday :'(

-cries-

lmao.

D: damn and I thought I'd improved

damnnn another failure :(

What the fuck happened, I used to be good at this kind of stuff...I think. Or maybe I just knew people who were easily satisfied.

oh wellssss I'll keep tryingg, I'll get it right one day.

I hope you're patient enough for me :(

But still....we carry on.

I'm choking on my words, like I got a noose around my neck.

Why are there so few people like me?

why the fuck am I so damn uncommon.

I fucking hate it. Hate it, hate it, HATE IT.

Why, why, why, why, why WHY?

give me a fucking reason, I'll scream up to the sky and get no answer, I'll scream to the earth and get no answer.

Somebody fucking tell me and you better tell me the fucking truth, because there are too many lies in this world. Sometimes Desiderata just doesn't fucking cut it.

Fuck morals.

Fuck values.

Fuck caring.

Fuck feeling.

Why bother; when it all means nothing, somebody fucking prove to me that all this has meaning, somebody tell me the truth.

There has to be more to life than just living.

The stupidity of it all. Not much makes sense these days.

So fucking funny. I just saw one of the little ones, get in so much trouble over something that, if I was his age; would have acted exactly the same.

Ahh, sorry little one. There's so few like us. I've been looking for more; but there are so little. So damn little.

~Close your eyes, there's nothing we can do~

o?

are you tryingggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg to do that?

I'm not sure.

-scratches head-

dumbass.

fuckkkk meeeeeeee

I need to get the shit kicked out of me.

Literally, sum1 just bash me.

I hope you don't think that was normal behaviour for me.

If I'm ever like that again, please tell me. Just say it. Remind me of what happened.

fuckk

it was like i was a different person.

What the fuck happened. Did my brain just shut down on me?

ahh...fuck.

Horror.

Why would I ever feel like fighting?

That's not my nature.

I've only ever fought when there was no other option.

Chest Pains.

Haha I'm so pumped right now, I feel like fighting.

Weird.

mannn, interesting day.

More nightmaressss. Scarier than usual.

You know, I don't think I'll ever get used to such life-like dreams.

You died. You f-u-c-k-i-n-g died. I couldn't believe it. When it happened, I was just dumbstruck. I stared at you and everything else faded to grey.

I sat there, held you and cried.

I did more than cry, I hadn't cried like that in so long. So damn long. In the end I was screaming, screaming as loud as i could until my lungs gave way.

I didn't care what people thought. I didn't care what they said. I didn't even hear them.

I couldn't even comprehend that you were gone.

But the scariest part was that, I couldn't bring you back. There was literally nothing I could do, to get you back. You were gone and that was it.

And it scared me. It terrified me, that I would never see you again. What if there was no after-life and I could never see or hear you again.

My faith tells me there is, but my God, what if there isn't?

Fuck...what if something did happen to you.

Baby, what would i do...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Actually I don't feel like fighting anymore, it was just that song getting me excited.

I woke up, and my heart was beating so hard. It hurt.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But then I saw you today, thank God I did. It gave me so much relief to see you standing there waiting for me.

But things turned out nothing like my dream and everything was fine. Things were great.

For that I am thankful.

(:

What elseeeeee, mm I discovered a different part of myself today. So surprised, didn't know I'd be like that.

I think it's a bad thing, I should have listened to you. But I was so damn selfish. I'm so damn surprised at my self.

I didn't listen.

But that's always the way isn't it.

I should have listened.

I shouldn't have listened.

I never get that bit right. Never know when to listen and when to trust myself.

Anyway that's all for tonight.

Bit of a sad blog, but I'm not upset. I had a great day and I hope you did too. :D

Different frequency

Why the fuck am I so out of tune?

I feel like everyone is in one place and I'm in an identical place, standing only metres apart but with an impenetrable glass wall.

Glass visible only to me.

It's not paranoia if it's valid.

ahh could have sworn it was resolved.

But it keeps coming backkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

and it comes back in one big pulsating sickness.

physical manifestations of what should not be physical.

But at least i manifests as sickness, because if it were a separate entity, what a monster it would be do behold.

But.

At least it would be separate from me, and maybe I could kill it, but then again it could kill me too.


~not quite finished, but I can't write about something that hasn't completely unfolded yet.

A whisper but no Clamor.

Ahh things that never bothered me, now do so.

They've found a way through the cracks and now my mind is plagued.

I don't quite know where to begin.

I don't trust those who you acquaint yourself with.

Not because I know them, but because of the things I know about them and their actions. I'm sorry but actions speak louder than words and these actions speak loud.

Now a new problem, something I've never had to deal with. It's strange, I don't know what to think really.

Little thoughts keep creeping in. Doesn't help that I have other issues on my mind.

I hope I can gain some peace of mind soon, it would make things so much easier to find some guarantees and sureties.

♪Don't try to wake me up, even if the sun really does come out tommorow.♪ ---> anberlin :)

But please Squall, don't turn into a recluse.

andd i was just bout to finish this blog, but now all has been cleared. i really should finish my blogs before the issue is resolved...seriously this page has been up for like 1.5 hours, i wrote it in like 5 mins, but forgot to press publish LOL

Now holster it.

This one got scared and ran.

Cock the gun and aim for the head.

Heart attacks, can be sensed from a distance.

Maybe I can scare this one off.

rofl sarah

LOL morbidddddd

i had to google it to remember what it meant again. been so long since i heard that word.

So as i look at the answer...

"ehhhh yeahh sounds bout rite LOL"

Slap across the cheek.

FUCK YOU JAMES

you stupid fucking idiot. you fucking RETARD.

Fucking, why do you bother if you're going to give up like that

WHY THE FUCK DO YOU BOTHER THEN?

DONT let that BULLSHIT get to you

Don't let this fluctuation in confidence be the death of you.

Don't listen.

Don't care.

Don't believe it.

Worked too hard to get where I am, and I will be damned if I give up.

Over confidence, underconfidence. It's all bullshit.

There is who you are and that is that.

If others influence who you are then, I hope to God this stability I draw is proven true.

No, I don't hope. Because even if it isn't I will find something that is damn true.

Irritant

god, im fucking blind.

ARGH

Rawr.

Very few deserve trust.

But at least I told him not to trust you.

I don't remember when I got sick.

Tragedies, I may write them but I refuse to live one.

I will use all my strength to my dying breath, so that no one will recall the story of my life as a sad one. I don't care if it's full of mistakes just as long as there is a few moments of true happiness and content.

No more unrest.

Even if I can't fulfill that wish, maybe I can at least fulfill it for another.

Death seems more real. Well it always seems when you see it so close.