goodnight ladies and gentlemen

hmmm I've been thinking.

you know I really can't be fucked writing this anymore.

My thoughts should be my own.

so I'll go get my things and I'll see you all some other time.

I'll keep writing, just not here.

bye.

hehe I'll erase the proof of all mistakes!

What have I given you?

but then again what can I offer?

This city will soon sleep in flames.

this hell's full of clown's with tear-away faces.

Tricksters and jokers who will never remove their masks.

I may not have a tear-away face but I wish I had a tear-away tongue.

So I would stop spouting nonsense.

Stop talking about such idiotic and stupid things. Such inappropriate things...

But sometimes. Maybe it would be better that I did have mask, having something to hide behind would be nice for when I spout nonsense. But that is the price of being real.

But back to that question of being real.

hehe I remember when I was young and how I spent what seemed like hours lying on my bed, staring at the roof.

Wondering what was real and what wasn't...

bad timing

I may be a bit delirious.

I just spent 10 minutes are arguing with mum about why we don't have a Safeway shopping trolley in the freezer. As well as how 'we used to have one'.

haha sounds stupid; but at the time it made sense :)

and FUCKING RAGEEEEE

I was trying to sleep and every time I heard my computer play the tune indicating somebody had signed on msn, I forced my eyes open and with blurry vision checked the computer screen. To see if it was you or not. I did that for a good amount of time until I decided.

"Ahh doesn't look like she's coming, I'm sure she'd nudge me or ring if she came online" and with that I went to sleep.

Unfortunately that was around about the same time you did decide to sign on.

ahh fuck me T_T

I missed you. Literally.

:(

blaghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

MAN DOWN, I NEED A MEDIC D:

ahhh i feel so sickkkkkk. IT'S TERRIBLE D:

literally half a litre of antibiotics amongst other things.

oh wells these tablets are awesum, much better pain relief than panadol.

ITS....GOD LIKEEE :D lmaoooo

and im not high or addicted :)

-insert sad face here-

wahhhhhhhhhhhhh dont get to see talk 2 my baby til friday :'(

-cries-

lmao.

D: damn and I thought I'd improved

damnnn another failure :(

What the fuck happened, I used to be good at this kind of stuff...I think. Or maybe I just knew people who were easily satisfied.

oh wellssss I'll keep tryingg, I'll get it right one day.

I hope you're patient enough for me :(

But still....we carry on.

I'm choking on my words, like I got a noose around my neck.

Why are there so few people like me?

why the fuck am I so damn uncommon.

I fucking hate it. Hate it, hate it, HATE IT.

Why, why, why, why, why WHY?

give me a fucking reason, I'll scream up to the sky and get no answer, I'll scream to the earth and get no answer.

Somebody fucking tell me and you better tell me the fucking truth, because there are too many lies in this world. Sometimes Desiderata just doesn't fucking cut it.

Fuck morals.

Fuck values.

Fuck caring.

Fuck feeling.

Why bother; when it all means nothing, somebody fucking prove to me that all this has meaning, somebody tell me the truth.

There has to be more to life than just living.

The stupidity of it all. Not much makes sense these days.

So fucking funny. I just saw one of the little ones, get in so much trouble over something that, if I was his age; would have acted exactly the same.

Ahh, sorry little one. There's so few like us. I've been looking for more; but there are so little. So damn little.

~Close your eyes, there's nothing we can do~

o?

are you tryingggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg to do that?

I'm not sure.

-scratches head-

dumbass.

fuckkkk meeeeeeee

I need to get the shit kicked out of me.

Literally, sum1 just bash me.

I hope you don't think that was normal behaviour for me.

If I'm ever like that again, please tell me. Just say it. Remind me of what happened.

fuckk

it was like i was a different person.

What the fuck happened. Did my brain just shut down on me?

ahh...fuck.

Horror.

Why would I ever feel like fighting?

That's not my nature.

I've only ever fought when there was no other option.

Chest Pains.

Haha I'm so pumped right now, I feel like fighting.

Weird.

mannn, interesting day.

More nightmaressss. Scarier than usual.

You know, I don't think I'll ever get used to such life-like dreams.

You died. You f-u-c-k-i-n-g died. I couldn't believe it. When it happened, I was just dumbstruck. I stared at you and everything else faded to grey.

I sat there, held you and cried.

I did more than cry, I hadn't cried like that in so long. So damn long. In the end I was screaming, screaming as loud as i could until my lungs gave way.

I didn't care what people thought. I didn't care what they said. I didn't even hear them.

I couldn't even comprehend that you were gone.

But the scariest part was that, I couldn't bring you back. There was literally nothing I could do, to get you back. You were gone and that was it.

And it scared me. It terrified me, that I would never see you again. What if there was no after-life and I could never see or hear you again.

My faith tells me there is, but my God, what if there isn't?

Fuck...what if something did happen to you.

Baby, what would i do...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Actually I don't feel like fighting anymore, it was just that song getting me excited.

I woke up, and my heart was beating so hard. It hurt.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But then I saw you today, thank God I did. It gave me so much relief to see you standing there waiting for me.

But things turned out nothing like my dream and everything was fine. Things were great.

For that I am thankful.

(:

What elseeeeee, mm I discovered a different part of myself today. So surprised, didn't know I'd be like that.

I think it's a bad thing, I should have listened to you. But I was so damn selfish. I'm so damn surprised at my self.

I didn't listen.

But that's always the way isn't it.

I should have listened.

I shouldn't have listened.

I never get that bit right. Never know when to listen and when to trust myself.

Anyway that's all for tonight.

Bit of a sad blog, but I'm not upset. I had a great day and I hope you did too. :D

Different frequency

Why the fuck am I so out of tune?

I feel like everyone is in one place and I'm in an identical place, standing only metres apart but with an impenetrable glass wall.

Glass visible only to me.

It's not paranoia if it's valid.

ahh could have sworn it was resolved.

But it keeps coming backkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

and it comes back in one big pulsating sickness.

physical manifestations of what should not be physical.

But at least i manifests as sickness, because if it were a separate entity, what a monster it would be do behold.

But.

At least it would be separate from me, and maybe I could kill it, but then again it could kill me too.


~not quite finished, but I can't write about something that hasn't completely unfolded yet.

A whisper but no Clamor.

Ahh things that never bothered me, now do so.

They've found a way through the cracks and now my mind is plagued.

I don't quite know where to begin.

I don't trust those who you acquaint yourself with.

Not because I know them, but because of the things I know about them and their actions. I'm sorry but actions speak louder than words and these actions speak loud.

Now a new problem, something I've never had to deal with. It's strange, I don't know what to think really.

Little thoughts keep creeping in. Doesn't help that I have other issues on my mind.

I hope I can gain some peace of mind soon, it would make things so much easier to find some guarantees and sureties.

♪Don't try to wake me up, even if the sun really does come out tommorow.♪ ---> anberlin :)

But please Squall, don't turn into a recluse.

andd i was just bout to finish this blog, but now all has been cleared. i really should finish my blogs before the issue is resolved...seriously this page has been up for like 1.5 hours, i wrote it in like 5 mins, but forgot to press publish LOL

Now holster it.

This one got scared and ran.

Cock the gun and aim for the head.

Heart attacks, can be sensed from a distance.

Maybe I can scare this one off.

rofl sarah

LOL morbidddddd

i had to google it to remember what it meant again. been so long since i heard that word.

So as i look at the answer...

"ehhhh yeahh sounds bout rite LOL"

Slap across the cheek.

FUCK YOU JAMES

you stupid fucking idiot. you fucking RETARD.

Fucking, why do you bother if you're going to give up like that

WHY THE FUCK DO YOU BOTHER THEN?

DONT let that BULLSHIT get to you

Don't let this fluctuation in confidence be the death of you.

Don't listen.

Don't care.

Don't believe it.

Worked too hard to get where I am, and I will be damned if I give up.

Over confidence, underconfidence. It's all bullshit.

There is who you are and that is that.

If others influence who you are then, I hope to God this stability I draw is proven true.

No, I don't hope. Because even if it isn't I will find something that is damn true.

Irritant

god, im fucking blind.

ARGH

Rawr.

Very few deserve trust.

But at least I told him not to trust you.

I don't remember when I got sick.

Tragedies, I may write them but I refuse to live one.

I will use all my strength to my dying breath, so that no one will recall the story of my life as a sad one. I don't care if it's full of mistakes just as long as there is a few moments of true happiness and content.

No more unrest.

Even if I can't fulfill that wish, maybe I can at least fulfill it for another.

Death seems more real. Well it always seems when you see it so close.

everybody lost hp LOL, hate to relate this to a game or some shit....how nerdy xP

ding! ding! ding!

gameeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee overrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

the results are as followsssss...

Player 1: Resigned from match
Player 2: Defeated
Player 3: Defeated
Player 4: Time limit expired


Little sad actually but it doesn't look like anybody won..lot of hurt, friendships damaged, and all over the thing that keeps us from being whole. The thing that when we were younger, nobody wanted, nobody cared about, heck all we cared about was playing tag, lego and the newest computer game. How times have changed.

But still, the true friendships have prevailed and while lots of things have changed, there is still happiness to be had and still good times ahead.

Because it really isn't game over (: just a single match, besides every body's noob at the beginning :P

Maybe you will discover it too.

I could tell you, but it is not my place, and must be discovered for one's self.


~End transmission :)


Zombies these days...looking for hearts instead of brains hehe :D

hah-lay

HA-HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA



ahhh fucking funny when you have all the pieces and everyone else is squabbling over the remains and it's all at your leisure (:


the games is over but everyone else is still trying to win.



xP

Users and Abusers; I think you're both.

You know you're pretty damn good at making me feel like crap.

I'm well and truly sick of apologizing for over-reacting when you won't even say sorry for things that well and truly do deserve an apology, even things that don't depend on interpretation. Things that deserve an apology no matter the circumstance.

Be thankful I don't listen to the words of a friend who's worth more to me and made her worth in two years compared to you who's had eleven and nothing to show for it.

How the play interchanges from the stage to reality.

The characters of mind have been rather quiet lately.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde have been harmonious, in fact they are almost one entity, with the occasional division every now and again but still, harmonious.

The shrieking woman has been silent since her last appearance. Perhaps she is at peace now; that I have made such great amends and changes in my life over this year. Her last and most realistic appearance had been peaceful, yet very strange. I had felt somewhat scared and threatened but somehow relieved that I could see her. She looked so much more human, healthier, younger and she looked.....content. An emotion that I had never seen grace her facial features.

and all the rest are well....sleeping or its equivalent


just a little intermission [:

the banshee's putting on make up, Jekyll is finishing paper work, Hyde is out back for a smoke, Zombie-James is sleeping, the nerd is playing DDR, the redneck has fallen unconscious (drunk) and the rocker is too fucked to do anything else but patch up injuries.....God knows if the Emo is still alive, but if he is he's been K.O'd from blood loss.

I'm definitely not complaining about an unwanted interval. Believe me I'm grateful. There's enough 'characters' in my life at the moment, that much shit going on; that if I hadn't an interval....well I'd be pretty god damn out of it.

Only the strongest survive, so I must get stronger.

I will stand on my own two fucking feet, even if it kills me.

Because if I'm that weak, then I have no place here.

Blessed are those who feel the content of solitude

Four hungry wolves after a scrap of meat.

One wolf has been starved and is desperate for the meat, it will fight to its last breath.

Another wolf is clever and clear of mind but lacks the spirit to fight.

The third wolf does not carry the same weariness the others carry and is filled with vigor, yet is inexperienced in conflict.

But the last wolf isn't hungry but fights all the same. Not for the prize itself but simply to choose the victor.


~Not very well written, but sometimes plain English is simply...more....desired. :)

Revised

mm I wouldn't call it a poison actually.

the thoughts of a man staring at a weapon

Although.....if time proves too slow...

Thank you for the venom.

ahh information is the greatest of poisons.

Time to end some misery.

This poison is one of slow workings, just as well too, it's much better for it to be leisurely. Much easier to monitor progress, change dosage and dilution.

Still this has dragged on for far too long.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It feels soooooo funny.

I'm sitting here, watching the strong build an army against the weak. Yet oddly enough I feel no inclination to move, I'm just sitting on the side lines. Being a simple gate keeper, yet with a gun in hand. I'm stronger than both opposing parties, but will simply mind my own business. Twirling my weapon with dexterous fingers.

While I keep the gates to the only path to the separate territories, I think I'll leave the gates open tonight.

Why act to speed up the process, when time is it's own catalyst?

hehe

Lyrics that take away the edge.

t's 3:18, mouth tastes like the corpse of every pregnant teen,
The minutes are hours, the hours are days,
I feel infected by your presence, you speak in tounges,
I smell the lies dancing on your blackened lungs,

I whispered in her ear:
Fear me dear, for I am Death,
I'll take your hope, your dreams, your love,
Till there's nothing left

I whispered in her ear:
You better fear me dear, for I am Death,
And I'll take that shit you call a life,
In a single fucking breath

I'll take your hope,
I'll take your fucking dreams,
I'll take your love,
I'll take everything you fucking bitch,

I'll steal the diamonds from your eyes,
I'll turn your promises into lies,
I'll steal the diamonds from your eyes,
I'll turn your promises into lies,

It's 3:18, mouth tastes like the corpse of every pregnant teen,
The hours are days, the days are dead,
I feel infected by your presence, you speak in tounges,
I smell the lies dancing on your blackened lungs,

I hear the fear in your voice, but you shouldn't feel a thing,
Your life's already worse than any pain that I could bring,
That I could bring,
That I could bring,

I could make it December every day,
But you're so blind, it may as well be May,

And I whispered in her ear:
You better fear me dear, for this is Death
And I whispered in her ear:
Fear me, 'cause I am Death

One more time,

I whispered in her ear:
Fear me dear, for I am Death,
I'll take everything you ever loved

I whispered in her ear:
You better fear me, for I am Death.
For I am Death.
For I am Death

Bitch

Everyone's leaving anyway.

I should have left you guys ages ago, there was never room for me. You never needed me. In fact you had to teach me, I've been nothing but a burden.

I started with you guys, so I could improve, so I could learn, so I could get better, so I could become someone of value. So I could help.

But now we're at the end and.....we're going to make it.

But I don't know if I deserve to be with the winners, or if I even want to be with them.

Today I would have rather taken a loss, lose an opportunity, lose something else of great importance yet at least I'd be with those who would choose to take me on board. Who actually would teach me become worthy so I could be an asset to them.

~The only thing I wanted was to play a part, not to fucking sit on the sidelines,worthless.

~The things that no one else can see.

♫ I gotta secret, it's on the tip of my tongue, at the back of my lungs and I'm gonna keep it!♫

You never really know someone do you?

Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised, yet I've had a permanent expression of shock since morning.

I've known you since prep. Yet I never thought you were quite like that.

Gut Feeling

Why do I feel like this again? I thought I got rid of this ages ago.

once again, i need 'something'. But not even I know what I need...

Guilty as charged ladies and gentlemen

ahhh funny ol' world isn't it?

ah my symphony of sympathy, hopefully it'l cool your discontent

~For more than one reader.

Vow

I'll get stronger for you :]

should the weight become too much, I'll carry you. "♫My legs begin to break, I've walked this path for far too long♫" won't be something you'll hear from me, because I'll be strong enough for you.

The Lessons of Literature

I felt like Othello.

I shouldn't listen, the world is full of trickery.

The things that have plagued my mind: Foolish delusions and misinterpretations, words so smooth that they roll off the tongue like oiled glass. You're just waiting for the screech of friction.

I should trust what I know, believe in my own judgement. Not seek the advice of others, nor their opinions, all this for my own uncertainties.

But now my mind is free, for I trust in you :)

Pity, this is such a short blog and not very articulately written. But the title is so epic, too epic for a blog like this.

For Stevie Wonder's eyes only

hehe i was up long after I signed off.

Finally we're in sync :)

ahh dragged down too.

~Why bother with me? As usual I'm unwanted and not needed. just a extra, not a part of the real thing.

Just a fucking spare on stand by. Should the preffered option be unavailable.

Tch, why bother. If I aint needed, I'l just go.

Even if there's nowhere for me.

It's better not to be a part of it than be second best, why let people know I try.

Because then it's just pathetic...

ahh nothing gets it off your chest better than bring me the horizon ;D

Idiot. A stupid fucking idiot. U.S.E.L.E.S.S

Fucking hell I'm such a hypocrite, every single fucking time i do something stupid. I REMIND MYSELF just to shut the fuck up in future. Don't talk because somethings are not meant to be said. Your mind is you own and no one else should hear it, you shouldn't share it. Because it'll be the death of you.

I fucking say it to myself every fucking time. I even write it where I'll see it, on my phone, in code on my computer, in my mind I've even linked particular people with me shutting the FUCK up.

how pathetic of me.

Don't talk, sow the mouth shut, rip out my tongue, break my mind, rip the vocal cords out of my throat and shred the inside of my neck. Fucking inscribe it with a chisel on the inside of my skull, so when my mind wanders it will see it in big fucking letters.

Scars are reminders not to be so god damn fucking dumb.

♫Insane? Am I the only motherfucker with a brain. I hear voices but all they do is complain! How many times have you wanted to kill? everything and everyone! You say you'll do it but never will!♫ BMTH

I am he who wandered too deep in the lost woods.

Don't touch a wounded animal, don't come too close when it's hungry.

hehe ;)

- Skull Kid, near Kokiri Forrest.

:@

Hate,murder,wrath,pain,scream,hurt,torture, excruciating agony,blood,gore,violence, break,smash,splinter,rip,shred,flesh,bone andDeath.

then relief follows through so beautifully it makes you shudder and your spine tingle.

sorry i just hate my media teacher :)

:P

Hehe, A calm and collected face...but a heart beating so hard it hurts. ;)

Pace

Have I been the one to spin your whirlpool too fast?

You seem so scared to lose control. Or are you scared of what might happen if you let go?

You need to relax :)

Instead of fighting against the current, go with it. Don't let it consume you and drag you away from everything and everyone, sucking you into the gaping hole in the centre. Stay close to the edge of the waters if you must, leaving one hand on the solid ground. So you know you can get out with haste if you feel the need.

You don't have to let go of control. Everyone needs an amount of control. But lessen your grip on it, don't stress that you can't stop the waves but find peace in knowing you can control their impact on you.

I'll be in the water with you, to guide you, so you don't have to do it alone. But I know this isn't easy, god it took me soooo long to get it. But if you do panic and lose control, it's okay. Everyone looses their control every now and then.

Should you get sucked in, I'll swim after you :)

btw.

ey is any1 gud at installn new templates?

Know this.

I know you forgave me, but still I feel bad about it. :(

It'll go away soon. I know that.

But I feel like......I should be punished. That something bad should happen to me and I should endure whatever is delivered.

Or possibly deliver it myself. I know I have in the past.

Either way, I miss you and I love you. :]

note:

I use a lot of metaphors ;D

safe enough to relax?

A few interesting things have been happening.

I've had quite a few blows to the heart, but I'm surprised I'm still standing. Perhaps I've gained some strength.

A long forgotten apology has been delivered. Although what motivated it is still questionable.

An old friendship, rekindled.

A catchup with some friends, that maybe I can hold on to.

I've experienced a few moments that only happen to the lucky few.

Another cross roads, I can go left, right, back track or keep going forward (but I see a pit at the end of the latter.)

~We'll see how we go :]

You won't win.

motherfucker. if you're going to be like that, I fucking will leave and I will be so far away. That you will never find me. But my God, if I ever come looking for you, watch your fucking back.

Because it's people like you who deserve the shit, that the innocent have to go through.

Failure

If I left, would you care?

But really what's to miss?

A little more faith.

I feel so spoiled, I truly aren't grateful enough.

I worked so hard to achieve my goal, and I did.

I've finally reached peace of mind in an area that is truly difficult to attain. But I didn't do it alone, I had been blessed to begin with and while there was a lot of work on my part. A significant proportion of it was due to luck and factors that are beyond my control.

I don't feel grateful enough to God, there are so many things he has blessed me with. Even though I do complain occasionally, my complaints pale in comparison to the gifts I have received so much that, the faults I find truly do become almost completely transparent. I should pray more often.

~While I have been humbled, the Lord has made me proud, but not of myself~

Such mental fortitude he has given me....

† roads

for 2 months I've been at a crossroads.

I think I've finnaly chosen a path and it feels like the right path.

For the record, it's not a path that resembles anything of my last blog.

maybe if I stick to it, I'll meet and talk with God.. :)

Death's palace

When I was a small boy, I was afraid of the dark. I was afraid of what could be hiding there and I was afraid that if I came into it no one would find me.

But now as I stand outside looking up and those colossal maroon clouds in the night. I see a vision of the inside of a palace, a palace so large I don't think words could do it justice, it was of such a grand size. I actually felt like an ant and I am not exaggerating.

This enormous palace gave no sense of atmosphere or feeling, it was if I no longer breathed and no action i could ever take would cause any consequence. I looked around, the architecture was grand on a supernatural level, as if it belonged to a being or force beyond understanding, comprehension on any level human. I felt like a ghost.

I looked up the massive pillars of gold to see the ceiling, it would have put the Sistine chapel to shame in terms of grandeur. Maroon clouds on a black sky painted on the dome of the ceiling as I had first seen, it was a truly amazing sight. Even though it was just a night sky with maroon clouds, I was at a loss for words. I fell to my knees as the ceiling's sheer detail overwhelmed me, the golden pillars had continued up from the walls and cornices on to the painted ceiling to meet in the centre, although soon as they left the walls they became thin strips of gold that travelled across the dome. As I took in this amazing scene before me I noticed the clouds, when the whole ceiling was taken into view the painting formed the shape of a skull. Then it became apparent that the cornices were adorned in golden skulls, then upon further realization i discovered they adorned every decorative piece of architecture.

Yet I did not feel fear.

In fact I enjoyed it, this amazing gold,black and maroon palace. Its Gothic theme and the stillness i felt.

But then a door appeared on the wall, left of me and I felt the need to open it. As if I had my time and it was time to move on to the next thing. So I left.

The door lead me into complete darkness and I walked in unafraid, because as I've matured I've grown to like the dark. I fucking love it, like when I'm waiting outside for my dad to pick me up from basketball training, I love being the only one outside waiting and it's completely silent. It's so relaxing. It puts me at ease. Or like when I put the bins out at ten-thirty at night, I love the quite. It's as if the world has been frozen in time and I'm the only one alive.

I like the idea of being able to walk outside, into the dark. By myself or with someone close and feel complete privacy and peace of mind, that I can walk in peace with out needing to worry about bumping into old acquaintances or saying hello to friends. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing my friends and people I haven't seen in a long time. But sometimes it feels so nice to be alone for once.

Maybe it's because I've grown up in a house full of brothers, it's always been loud and there's always been activity. Maybe it's because I so rarely get to enjoy silence and stillness of mind. Either way it's unimportant.

Although this palace I envisioned, gave me the impression that it belonged to death or was associated with death or simply what lies at the end of our physical life. Being in the palace felt as if that time had no power and it's influence was as weak as a crumpled sheet of paper found in a puddle. That it made not one ounce of difference.

But it's just nice knowing I can go and disappear into the dark and just simply be.

Yet there is comfort knowing, that I don't have to go alone and I can share this with another.

Awe.

Surprisingly I found some wisdom yesterday, coming from the mouth of one who'd be deemed mad by majority of the world.

Anyone would look at him and think he isn't normal or that he's just plain out of his mind, but I think he has more sanity that any one of us. Perhaps the world is mad and he is sane. One of the few.

But now I see the lifestyle he shares with those lucky few, a life where it's exciting, different, where you see amazing and rare things. Where those sensations that you crave are within reach and you are with those who are willing chase them.

Even if we don't catch them, the simple thrill of the chase is enough.

iV

exuberant

to show unrestrained emotion or feeling.

although generally used in regard to joy.

stretch.

And Shepherd's we shall be,
for thee my lord for thee.
Power hath descended forth from thy hand,
that our feet may swiftly carry out thy command.
So we shall flow river forth to thee,
and teeming with souls shall it ever be.
In nomine patris,
et fillii,
et spiritus sancti.

this was stuck in my head lols.

This is why I don't sleep during the day.

I hate waking up like this.

I hate waking up when everyone else is awake, I hate waking up when everyone else is asleep.

Why is that?

Don't leave me to sleep. I don't want to be the only one awake, I don't want to be the only one asleep.

weird huh?

Papa Mama Nozomare Nu Baby

My Renaissance.

Time for revival, time for ressurection, time for healing, time for breathing, time for heartbeats, time for focus, time for living.

Time to try something new.

Note to self.

Okay, I've made an idiot of myself againnnnn.

Seriously it's like if I show any form of negative emotion or any inkling that I'm insecure about myself. To my friends, I'm an idiot. So from now on, I'm not going to talk about it.

I'm not going to ask for help because there's no point. It's now obvious how I should act, but really you can't please anyone. People say you're too quiet so you talk more, but of course if you talk too much you make a fool of yourself. So from now on, I take no one's advice. I listen to no one and I will tell no one.

actually fuck it, I just don't care if you think I'm an idiot.

you fucking pathic excuse for a person.

Leave.

oh my god, it happened again.

I can't believe it. cannot fucking believe it. I could've sworn I opened my eyes but again I am blind. I am truly blind.

And there is no place for people blind like me.

More than childish

ugh get that crap away from me, i hate it.

pretending I have something else.

I think I'm really the one who's hurt.

I'm in a position I never thought I'd be in, I honestly could never understand why someone would ever do something like that. I remember thinking when I was little, that there was no excuse for hurting someone like that. I remember thinking how someone could ever be like that. Or even why someone would be like that.

Now I understand how and why all too well.

~~

Ever felt that kind of lonliness where, it's not just being by yourself but knowing that you've never known, you've never seen and don't even know if someone like yourself exists. These insecuirities and worries I have. I don't know anyone else with them, or anyone who understands them.

I've never known anyone like me and I hate it.

~~

Oh. Good timing. Thanks, really. Now hurry up and finish it. Because I fucking can't.

Look a little closer

Upon further reflection....how the fuck...did you come across that? It is beyond likely that such knowledge was gained with less than.. noble... intentions.

Monster.

days roll on, we know the price we pay...

I am so sorry that I acted the way I did, I simply didn't think. I suppose it's my usual excuse because, I just let emotion completely control me and even though what I did was wrong. It didn't feel wrong. But I am sorry, you know that much. I tried to apologize, I tried to tell you 'why', I tried to make you understand but you wouldn't hear it. Not because you were angry at me, not because you believed my excuse would be feeble.

But because you simply did not care, you didn't care if there was a good reason, you didn't care if it was a shit reason. You just don't care, so I give up on understanding you. Because you ovbiously don't care to understand me.

But maybe that's all I deserve.

You child.

My, my, how much you panic.

You make such a fuss and drama about your predicament, don't be so hotheaded and rash. Relax, breath in and observe, think before you act.

Let me know once you're done flailing about and get a hold of yourself.

Because this little charade of yours bores me.

♫All your decisions are ruled by fear, you misinterpret everything you hear♫

Days rolled on.

A classic situation, a classic example, a classic problem, a classic lack of solution.

A classic powerlessness. All wrapped up, with bow and name-tag hand delivered to your door by a friendly face.

Feather-light Footsteps

They say curiosity killed the cat and it may in fact kill me and you.

Every time I leave the security of ignorance for that tempting knowledge, I take my feet from this secure stone floor and begin walking on thin ice. Tread carefully I tell myself because this could end badly. I see a chance of a prize at the end of this path, a very risk path. But the reward is all too tempting. So I put on a mask and take my nimble movements across the ice. The mask is most likely useless as such intentions oft are impossible to disguise no matter what kind of bottled innocence you drown them in. So as I make my way across the ice I notice the prize is set up in a trap, I'll need deft fingers to remove it. Yet the risk of failure for this aspect is also great, I'm already half way across the ice so I'll push on. I don't believe in turning back in matters such as these. So through my light touch I reach the end, I see the prize and the trap. The prize can still be revealed to be knowledge of no use or worth to me or something else of disappointment. But I have the means, I have the intention but all I need now is... 'Further reason to prompt action'.

You may think this a stunted and blunt ending, but who said this has ended? The words have merely danced from the paper and back into my reality.

♫ A seven nation army couldn't hold me back!♫

Touch.

♫It was written in blood!♫

Random facts!!! :D

1. I had a nose bleed today and my blood looked pink instead of the usual vibrant red.

2. I spammed the word boobies.

3. I played F.E.A.R. Project origin for like 2 hours and it was shit scary. Fucking creepy little girls crying and ghosts trying to eat/rape me while I run around shooting anything that moves lols.

4. I'm very cold right now.

5. I need more socks.

6. I can't decide if I should grow my hair longer or cut it shorter.

7. I've neglected someone I hold dear. :(

8. I'm that cold that my feet are numb.

9. I need to pee lols

10. I'm not tired but I should sleep :( so I guess I will.

♫Just like the living dead! yeah! I've got a taste for something! I don't want it; I just need it. I can't believe it!!!!♫

Salute.

I have been humbled.

I have once again found wisdom in the words of others.

:)

Help me.

I am so confused.

I have lost my faith, I'm such a doubting Thomas.

I find it so hard to believe in something that I cannot have any connection with. I have never seen proof or even an inkling that God exists, I can see possible reasons why I have seen no proof. Perhaps the Lord no longer intervenes with the Earth, but has given us complete responsibility over the Earth and simply left us to our own devices. Maybe he will intervene at the end of the world, it would seem fitting.

Yet I find it so hard to believe, every prayer has been left unanswered. Every night I've cried and prayed, I have only been comforted by the fact that I am now too tired to do anything but sleep.

Yet I have seen things which do not make sense, I have had dreams of scary and supernatural things. I have woken up to find physical attributes to my dreams and nightmares, I have woken up to see that same unknown woman from my slumber. I remember so clearly, the very image of her was pale. I blinked because I did not believe my eyes, I looked again, she was still there. I blinked again she continued to stare then turned away and walked away from my sight.

I have never admitted to anybody. That I have been scared. Only when concerning that woman have I opened my mouth to admit that I am scared. But when I do see her, I am terrified. In my dreams she is a demon, but when I see her apparitions she is a ghost or an angel, who has no obvious intention to cause me harm.

When I was young, whenever I was sick, I would have a nightmare. I was isolated and in an enclosed space, being screamed at by a intimidating voice. At the time the only logical thing in my dream that I could make sense of, was my father yelling at me, because he was the often the one who yelled at me. The isolation I felt, I interpreted that to be myself marooned on a block of ice floating in the middle of an ocean, because I remember the piercing cold I felt and during this nightmare and I was blind. So to sum it up, I was blind on an chunk of ice being screamed at, and feeling incredibly enclosed and having little freedom to move.

As i got older the nightmare changed and details were added.

It's too tedious for me to go through them as they occurred so I will some up the current version of the nightmare.

The screaming has turned to that of a woman, I am no longer blind it is simply to dark for me to see. The isolation has turned to a long corridor, a very narrow corridor. I'm walking down it, with one hand on the wall. I can feel flaking paint and a thing layer of ice on the wall, which slowly numbs my hand. But the screaming is absent until the end of the nightmare, as I walk down this corridor it is dead silent, except for the sound of my hand brushing against the wall , my walking and my breathing. As I reached the end of this corridor I got the feeling I was soon to the end, how I came to that conclusion, I do not know. But then I feel immense fear and hear the heavy breathing of that woman. I run knowing who it is. But then I am frozen still unable to move. The woman proceeds to go up side and continue to breath heavily. I cannot turn my head, so as I feel her hot breath on my ear and neck, she grasps my face and turns it to hers and screams a piercing shriek. I scream in horror as her face is rotting and terrifying. After this I wake up, concluding that in the dream I have died and that has woken me or the fear of what will come next has been enough to return me to consciousness.

Yet with these dreams and nightmares of spirits, this waking up to find the physical manifestation of the object of my terror, standing at my door, still not disappearing no matter how many times I blink my self awake. I still can not believe in God. I cannot believe in any more than action leading to consequence. I cannot believe the simple belief that there is someone looking out for human kind. Someone who we are designed in his image. Someone who wants us to be happy and live good lives.

But it has come to my attention, that there maybe fault in my prayer. I always pray to God, but never to Jesus. It originally started off as habit, as during prayer at school, We always prayed to God, occasionally Jesus, but mostly God. Yet I find it hard to pray to Jesus. It just doesn't sound right. Perhaps subconsciously I do not believe in Jesus but only God and that is stopping me from being heard by the Lord.

After this long varied blog, I think this internal argument has resulted in me believing again, but not strongly, as in these recent years I have lost faith quite easily and have found it challenging to hold on to.

Wrath.

You are infuriating, you are aggravating, you are the reason for my frustrations. You are my brothers.

that first sentence I wrote in anger and it has been..........two anddd a half hours and after much arguing, talking, yelling, etc it's all good. Apologies for my crazy moods but those kids send me coo-coo bananas, seriously it wouldn't be so bad if it was just one or two brothers, but three is just a tad too much for me to handle with out showing undiluted emotion. Normally I'm against hiding emotion or not showing it, but with my brothers its simply better to disregard them and focus my attention else where and let my emotions lose their intensity and to be lost in my activities. BUT ANYWAY, I talked with my dad and he made things seem way easier/better where as my mum thought I was criticizing her parenting when that wasn't my goal. Hehe now I know where I get my 'thin skin' from. But now I see thing clearer. Another thing I know is that dad is too laid back and mum is too uptight. My position on that scale is varied. I swing from side to side although in recent years I've been more towards the uptight side, so I just need to relax and find a good mix. Ironically enough, that seems to be the main problem for all my issues. Balance. Balance of emotions, balance of activities, balance of faith, balance of just about anything that can be balanced.

My heart still pounds, I'm breathing now, I won't fall down!

Friends.

Freaky dreams...againnnn

I can't even remember what happened before hand but all I remember is you being there. You were upset that you didn't feel yourself. I said

"don't worry, your heart will come back" as I leaned back. Then I noticed you weren't standing behind me anymore. You were in front of me and said "but yours won't". Then you preceded to plunge your hand in to my chest and in rip my heart out in a fountain of blood.

At least it wasn't the banshee dream again, so i guess that's good?

lol.

One thousand shrieks and salty tears. Enough of which to drown my fears!

hehe I think I might have a taste for something ;P

haha it makes me sooooo energetic I might actually crave it, I wanna scream, sing, dance, jump and play along to it.

I'm full of Affinities and parallel opposites ;D

♪ Tell all my friends I said goodbye! Clenched teeth and fluttering eyes! ♫

repeat the cycle a million and one fucking times.

You know what. I think I've had enough, it wouldn't be so sad if it all ended. It would be a little bit of a let down but it seems like it would save me a lot of strain.

It's too hard, life just isn't life anymore, life for me is just a draining and empty existence. Sure you might get some results back, but really does anybody care? I know I don't. I don't care for the stupid letter they give you for your work, I don't care if it's an A or a C. It all just seems really pointless; you work, you get a mark, you move on and it repeats it self over and over and over again. I don't gain anything from it nor do I gain anything for anyone else, I don't feel any happier just fatigue and relief.

It sucks.

rawr.

Don't fucking think everyone to be so blind, I can't believe you're actually getting on my nerves. You don't deserve to warrant my attention so don't be so god damn bold and proud about it.

okay i've raged. im good now lmao

Edit: Subcatergories.

~Why? Because you gave me what I craved, you gave me what I was too scared/ashamed to ask. But you could actually read me, you interpreted me correctly and you helped me. For that I'm grateful.~

You seem to understand me all too well. You know my actions, you know what I need, you know what I want. You know why. I raise an eyebrow when you notice my little habits, it's strange that you understand them so instantaneously. Even the way I carefully articulate my words on the things that I keep close to my chest.

You're deeper than you look, I'm a little stunned by the fact actually. Appearances and acts can be so deceiving.

You put a hole in my theory....and gave me a new chapter.

Cry.

Today was a good day, I managed to get through it even with the massive amount of work expected of me, the morning was great, even class was midly enjoyable, I got grades back of which I was to be proud of and I felt happy just to be with my freinds. Yet today has been turned into a shit day in one phone call.

I've tried everything I know. I've always been able to help and comfort you, always been able to turn your mood around, cheer you up, lift up your chin and wipe away the tears. But now I can't for some reason. I hate listening to you cry on the phone, I almost teared up as well. I want nothing more than to be able to comfort you, if I could no matter what time or place. I'd come to see you.  It depresses me every time I think of you, every time I hear from you. When your heart breaks, I feel a fracture in mine. Even though I don't know what's causing your pain, when you feel it, I feel it too.

~That dream which I told you about, the one that seemed so real, the one where nothing unbelievable happened, everything was as possible as they are in this world..

Don't make it a reality, because I couldn't bear to watch my nightmares unfold as they did on that night~

Merge.

Time to keep this categorised parts and merge them back together. Too long have these different parts been kept separate. Each piece longs for the other, yet I have not been able to hear them because I have been too busy deciding which pieces need to stay forgotten and which ones I need to be remembered.  I'm putting it all back together and keeping them together.

Fuck what you all think. The only one who decides who you are is yourself.

~These remnants will become a whole entity~

No different acts, no different personalities, from now on it's one me, one heart.

LOL i can do matrix ^.^

Haha, maybe God is keeping an eye on me. I do say at times how I lose faith and sometimes simply don't believe in him, yet when my heart is heavy and cannot sleep I pray.

I've dodged a bullet here. Interestingly enough, I've found two people quite similar and it surprised me how alike they really are, especially in their nature. I know now why events have unfolded as they have. I've learned something from this, a very valuable lesson. That could have turned out to be a much harsher lesson, should I have gone against my instincts and gone straight with my emotions.

Every personality, no matter how positive has their negatives.

~It all has balance~

Few.

I hold a great deal of respect for you, but I've realised we are two very different people, I tried to be like you. But that didn't really work to well, so I'm going to follow the path that I was given. No matter how few have followed it, because I remember now how I was proud of who I was. So no more following, no more being something so easily molded. I'm going to be what I was supposed to be, no matter how daunting it appears.

Endless days.

I know I said I'd stop blogging, I know this may make me a hypocrite, but I guess I need to vent. I think this is selfish, but I hope you'll forgive me.

I'm trapped in a world of endless days, the only possible end I can see is myself on a dirt road on my knees. Right before I hit the ground dead. So I'm just walking on bleeding feet, on this endless road. 

I'm disgusted with who I am right now, it's past experiences who have made me who I am. This isn't my true nature to be this... whatever this is but Changing back to how I was is hard. Yet I still don't know how to deal with it.

From my first time here I've been taken advantage of, trodden on, had my spirit broken countless times and had trust in people at first cracked then completely shattered. But I've learnt to live with this, but I still can't deal with the issue.

If I don't defend myself and wear my heart on my sleeve, I end up broken. If I defend myself I end up becoming blind unable to tell Friend from enemy and end up back to where I started.

~I can't tell the difference between a helping hand and a fist to the face~

And yes I know, I know. But it seems real enough to me.

:)

~A hero of war, yeah that's what I'll be, and when I come home, they'll be damn proud of me, I'll carry this flag to the grave if i must, because it's a flag that I love and a flag that I trust~

LOL song's making me feel very patriotic :D 

R.I.P.  Pa Jimmy and all the others who died in the great wars in my family :)

Anywaysssss.... enough about my family's contribution in the wars.

SO, I now know what the problem is and I really have known all along but have ignored it and have tried to believe it's something else but there's no denying the truth. But along with this I've realised there is no need for this blog. This will be my final post  or at least til I find a suitable reason to post again. As there is no point yapping on about my problems when I don't really think I have an audience, only a few close friends whom I could easily tell them if something was bothering me. Plus this blog's purpose is quite selfish.

So I'm off, I've realised my own Desiderata for those of you who are familiar with the poem 'Desiderata'.  And so now it's time to be judged by my actions not my words.

Dreams of sickening panic.

I've fallen off a cliff.

I might've been pushed I'm not sure. But what I do know is I'm falling.

In this dream it's dark and there is no light anywhere, I see my freinds faces as I'm falling. I stretch my hand out to grasp theirs So maybe they can catch me and save me from death at the bottom of this plummet. But I notice it, and they can see that i've noticed in my eyes. That they havn't stretched out their hands. I can see that the hands of my friends that i grasped for, are by their sides. straight by their sides. Faces not even turned.

Strife.

Sorry I've neglected posting a blog in so long, I've been trying to work out what to say for a long time now. At the moment on my blogger account I have like 50 drafts for one entry. This isn't that entry, but just something for the meantime.

But this is what I'm going to do.

~I ain't gonna suffer like this, just because it fits well for you. I'm having my redemption, whether or not it involves you.~

Today I didn't have the strength to go on, but I'm glad I found that hand to pull me up. I now have that invigoration I desperately needed and I'm going to continue. Be who I am and if I can get things back to how they were, good for me but it will not be a conscious effort. But til then I'm going to enjoy my time with everyone and not let these things ruin these few remaining days of our time here together.

kokoro.

I don't have anything to say. There's no point talking about anything because nothing has changed. It's the same since the start, all these epiphanies and revelations have equated to nothing. I haven't changed anything, haven't changed myself, any one else, my surroundings or my situation. I've tried to do so much but have nothing to show for it, nothing has changed and I've made no difference and along with the identity crisis, there is now lack of purpose because I have repeatedly failed at what I have aspired to do. It isn't a single failure but a group of failures made over and over and over again. Each time, a different method, a different approach, a different path, a reoccurring result.

almost a sudden realisation.

Lately I've been thinking that it feels like I've lost the ability to get close with any one anymore. I thought about it and I've had some great friendships in the past but lately I haven't been able to get particularly close with anyone lately. Feeling that everyone all of a sudden has stopped wearing their heart on their sleeve and locked it up so deep inside that if I ever went looking for it I'd only find the faintest of heartbeats. But today made me realise that they haven't locked up their hearts, I've just locked up mine. I hadn't realised to be honest, but I've been afraid of getting hurt so my attempts to find that closeness have been half hearted. I'm glad i realised this, funnily enough in someone who I can see myself in sometimes. looks like that someone is a few steps in front, but maybe it's just maturity. 

Who knows I lose track of things these days, not as sharp as I once was. Oh well whatever, I'll get it back soon enough. Either way I've lost my enthusiasm that I had at the start of this blog, next time I won't type gradually over an hour of doing a million other things at the same time. So next time I'll focus on writing alone. Even if this blog doesn't resolve any conflicting thoughts of mine at the moment I don't mind, it was probably just an average day full of emotions varying a little too wildly. 

♫Time is running out FTW! ;D♪

so yeah fuck it,cbf LOL

Catch.

I'm a little hurt at the current turn of events.

I've noticed, that you are unintentionally selfish about this whole thing. That I'm nothing more than being used. I've been shielding away awkward moments and keeping the situation relatively normal, keeping things free from suspicion and the rest of things that sap the enjoyment out of things. 

You've made no attempt at all to understand any of us, you are so focused on you goal that we're all beginning to realise that we're nothing but the dullest of animated manikins in your eyes. Well.. I know I am to say the least.

Still, I can tell that the emotions you are forcing us to feel are not intentional. A little appreciation is all I ask, a little tap on the shoulder to see how we're doing. But you're continuing on like this is.Expected from us? Expected to do as we're told and that no communication simply means your not doing anything wrong.

Just stop and think about what you're sacrificing in order to attain what you so deeply desire, think about how everybody else feels about this and think about how you're going about this. Completely sacrificing anything and everything won't make the road any easier. Some sacrifices are necessary I grant you that but completely ignoring the world and people around you who care about you. It won't help, it won't help you and it won't help anyone else.

So should you ever reach ever your goal, which I hope you will and God forbid that you should lose what you've aspired to gain. It will leave you utterly broken and you may find yourself more alone than before you started. Before you aimed for such heights. So don't be so desperate and selfish in you goals and should you fall you'll find that there are many hands willing to catch you.

Cure; why did it happen, how did it happen and how can I fix it?

I'm sick of this, I'm sick of saying its about perspective. Which is fair enough, life can seem better or worse depending on how you look at it, but I keep looking at the negative side. I can go back to the positive but before I know it, I'm back to the negative. So something must be making me look at the negative side, because it isn't natural for me to be so cynical. 

It's like I keep falling over, I stand up again to run for a couple of steps but I fall over again. The cycle repeats.

I used to be able to run for miles and miles and never fall, I used to be untouchable, invincible, nothing could break my spirit.

So why am I so weak now, why can't I even stand up for more than a few seconds?

I prided my self with my resilience. Now I struggle to keep pieces together, I feel my muscles straining to as I pull each part of me closer together, trying to keep my self as 'one' and not just group of emotions, perspectives, attitudes and personalities.

Offspring.

♪ Dearly  beloved are you listening? I can't remember a word that you were saying, are we demented or am I disturbed? The space that's in between insane and insecure. ♫

Once again I've forgotten that the world is what you perceive it to be, if you think it's depressing it's a bleak world. If you think its full of happiness it's a beautiful world, it's all in your head.

All these blogs; depressing or uplifting are truly just the product of teenage mood swings having sex with creativity. (what a fucked up way of putting it) Which is more or less true.

Either way I'm going to take on all criticism, opinions and any comment in general from anyone with a light hearted approach. Appreciate the positive ones of course but simply acknowledge the existence of the negative. Or something similar.

Losing Connection.

hmmm I'm not sure.

~ am I 'doing' something wrong or is it the usual answer; "Noooo, you're not doing anything wrong but...I don't know"~

~I really don't know anything anymore~

~Can someone tell me why?~

~Everyone knows why, but they won't tell me~

~If I do know the answer...~

~Can I change it?~

~Can I fix it? ~

~Just accept it~

~But that's so cruel~

~He'll live~

~Again?~

~Start again~

~no point, I never found out what was wrong~

~What was wrong, What I did wrong, What I said wrong~

~Wrong~

Soon enough.

hmm I haven't said anything in a few days, I guess i should post a new blog.

Today was one of those days were you just feel happy for no reason. The day wasn't colourful and bright but I couldn't get the grin off my face, I feel like if I don't suppress this smile and leave it undiluted it will become permanent. Weight has been lifted off my shoulders, yet it has been replaced with something just as heavy. I'm not happy for the simple shift of weight but the change in the 'type' of weight. Personal and social issues are slowly disappearing and things are returning to normal, although the weight of that has been replaced with work ,deserving an equal amount of concern and worry, I still feel relieved. Probably because people matter more to me than any amount of work, to me the two things are incomparable, people and relationships will always gain dominance.

Anyway, my blogs lately have been to philosophical and too wishy washy. Too lame, not dark enough, it needs a bit of dirt. Otherwise this is gonna turn into fuckn sesame street or playschool.

I really can't decide who I am can I? haha

oh well, I'll find out eventually.

Full of Heart. Teach me and the rest of the world.

I was lying back watching, images flying past. Gray,dull and dark images. This place, this dirty dodgy,corrupted old place. Your in it. You shouldn't be, there's far too much shadow, in the landscape, the very place we sit and in those around you, probably including me but mines been locked up. You're too innocent, too full of childish excitement. You don't belong here, you could be so easily hurt here physically and mentally and I can see around me the products of being exposed to it. Even people with a heart like yours can be influenced, yet you show no signs of it. Maybe you can't be corrupted by it, I'm not sure. Still I have the urge to keep you from it, feel like I should protect you from it.

The world needs more people like you, this world could be o' so much brighter. Those days when you get up and walk outside, to see a bright blue sky, so bright that it almost brings tears to look at it. Not because it's too bright but because such a beautiful thing exists. When the sun warms your heart and the rest of the world, days when the world is at ease and everything is warm and welcoming. Days when nowhere is uninviting, days where no one is inhumane, cruel, broken or crying. Those few days. Those few days when heaven descends to earth, to show what this place could really be like. 

Ultimately the past and future don't matter. It's the present, if the people of the present can make this world bright it's all that matters.  Because then future can be changed on a whim, no matter what we do, so we should show the next generation how to keep this world bright and maybe they can show us and their future generations how to make it even brighter.

~Strive to brighten~

:]

Free.

hmmm, I may have passed a mile stone today. Hyde has been so very tempted today, yet I've managed to keep him under lock and key, while at the same time keep Dr. Jekyll's depressing conclusions free from my mind. Maybe I've found a way to free myself of their influence? The end of today was great, I didn't have to worry about anything at all, it wasn't even a conscious effort to keep Hyde and Jekyll locked up by that time. Even when tempted.  I feel the strength that left me  so long a go, my life is now filled with enthusiasm :] I'm not gonna let anything silly or small get under my skin. Not even the smallest of splinters.

The colour of the sky, the moon and the brightness of the sun are all so vibrant now. Even the dullest gray is bright, :)

Desiderata

Desiderata.

I tried to kill that part of me last night.

I couldn't do it,I didn't have an other's heart and hands to guide my shaking hands but that wasn't the true reason. I realised that part of me is what keeps me tame, what keeps me that sentimental person. Even though it pains me to keep it alive, I need it and I'd miss it terribly if I lost it. I guess it's what makes me who I am, whether I like it or not, so I should learn to feel comfortable with it. So I pray my Friends remind me every so often to keep it alive.

_The Last Days_

Oh how I love this book, I secretly know why it 'truly' intrigues my so, but I won't tell you, not yet at least. It's suspense has such quality that I cringe in love for it, I grin like like my wicked Hyde Grins, from ear to ear with a malevolent smile. It almost too much for me to handle, I love books with this touch to them, that aspect that I hold such awe for. Although its writing isn't filled with articulate grace it has that basic Solidity, like comparing a mesh fence to a brick wall.

Another thing I've come to realise is that I take things too seriously, so from now on I'm going to learn to be a little more carefree. :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Questions.

Is it possible to destroy a part of you? A part of you that has been with you since the beginning? I feel that this segment of who I am may be the reason of my deepest melancholy, I think I could kill it. But I'm unsure, should I kill it? This part of me I refer to is an emotion, a mindset, an emptiness, a 'lack there of', a personality trait, there's a million other ways to describe this part of me but it's intertwined so deeply into my sense of self that it would scare me to kill it or even wound it. Would I lose a valuable part of me? would I become shallow? Would a different trait fill its place? Maybe I would become something I hate. Maybe its death would leave a gaping wound, maybe it would bring understanding.

Either way, this still comes down to the simple unavoidable obstacle that "I simply don't know the answer".

If i am to kill this part of me, I do not think I could do it solo. I have the means but I lack the nerve. If i were to hold the knife above its defenceless body, my hands would be shaking. I would need a smooth pair of hands to guide me, to show me the motion which I know so well, yet need the support of an other's heart. For my heart is in turmoil and needs another for direction.

I fear regret.

Stalemate.

Dr. Jekyll never received his miracle, yet he is up and fighting again. Well he is a doctor. He and Hyde are still fighting, together in a grapple. None of them are making progress yet are still trying throw each other down. But for the moment this will do for me. But anyway, off the subject of inner conflicts.

 This world is quite an interesting place. Some of its inhabitants bore me to tears and yet some of you, I am so interested it almost pains me to stop conversing with you. You might seem to show no emotion and hide behind your hardened Façade. Or you might show such emotion that I may not even have to see your face, but can see liquid feelings dripping from your very being, staining the path you walk. If only emotion could truly manifest, then the school halls would be decked with every colour and shade.

Paint my world with colours of the brightest spectrum.     :]

Conflict.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde are still fighting....

Two separate personalities in one body, each one fighting for dominance. Dr. Jekyll's always been dominant as he was the original, but now he's hanging on for dear life. Hanging on a cliff, with Hyde's boot crushing his fingers.

Hyde and Jekyll's conflict has been going for over sixteen years, Jekyll is a weaker, kinder, easily hurt and caring person, with a tinge of melancholy. Yet Hyde is an arrogant, competitive,carefree, pain inflicting extrovert. I don't have a side because I am both and neither. There are usually ups and downs in the conflict, one may be winning but the next day he may be losing dismally. But lately Jekyll has suffered too many hard hits to the chest and has been coughing up blood, wiping it all over the walls as he struggles to stand. Hyde in the main time savouring this occasion, watching yet not acting, giving no input as Jekyll is already on the verge of death. He feels compelled to run over with his knife and deal the final blow, yet his time has yet not come. So he is merely waiting, watching the clock.

Soon enough Hyde's time will come and he will torment Jekyll for a few beautiful minutes, so beautiful in fact that he'll cringe in delight then end his sorry life. So Jekyll needs a miracle if he still has the will to fight, maybe he'll get it before Mr.Hyde's watchful eye sees the timer hit zero. Or maybe Jekyll will watch Hyde walk over to him, grinning ear to ear.