I have lost my faith, I'm such a doubting Thomas.
I find it so hard to believe in something that I cannot have any connection with. I have never seen proof or even an inkling that God exists, I can see possible reasons why I have seen no proof. Perhaps the Lord no longer intervenes with the Earth, but has given us complete responsibility over the Earth and simply left us to our own devices. Maybe he will intervene at the end of the world, it would seem fitting.
Yet I find it so hard to believe, every prayer has been left unanswered. Every night I've cried and prayed, I have only been comforted by the fact that I am now too tired to do anything but sleep.
Yet I have seen things which do not make sense, I have had dreams of scary and supernatural things. I have woken up to find physical attributes to my dreams and nightmares, I have woken up to see that same unknown woman from my slumber. I remember so clearly, the very image of her was pale. I blinked because I did not believe my eyes, I looked again, she was still there. I blinked again she continued to stare then turned away and walked away from my sight.
I have never admitted to anybody. That I have been scared. Only when concerning that woman have I opened my mouth to admit that I am scared. But when I do see her, I am terrified. In my dreams she is a demon, but when I see her apparitions she is a ghost or an angel, who has no obvious intention to cause me harm.
When I was young, whenever I was sick, I would have a nightmare. I was isolated and in an enclosed space, being screamed at by a intimidating voice. At the time the only logical thing in my dream that I could make sense of, was my father yelling at me, because he was the often the one who yelled at me. The isolation I felt, I interpreted that to be myself marooned on a block of ice floating in the middle of an ocean, because I remember the piercing cold I felt and during this nightmare and I was blind. So to sum it up, I was blind on an chunk of ice being screamed at, and feeling incredibly enclosed and having little freedom to move.
As i got older the nightmare changed and details were added.
It's too tedious for me to go through them as they occurred so I will some up the current version of the nightmare.
The screaming has turned to that of a woman, I am no longer blind it is simply to dark for me to see. The isolation has turned to a long corridor, a very narrow corridor. I'm walking down it, with one hand on the wall. I can feel flaking paint and a thing layer of ice on the wall, which slowly numbs my hand. But the screaming is absent until the end of the nightmare, as I walk down this corridor it is dead silent, except for the sound of my hand brushing against the wall , my walking and my breathing. As I reached the end of this corridor I got the feeling I was soon to the end, how I came to that conclusion, I do not know. But then I feel immense fear and hear the heavy breathing of that woman. I run knowing who it is. But then I am frozen still unable to move. The woman proceeds to go up side and continue to breath heavily. I cannot turn my head, so as I feel her hot breath on my ear and neck, she grasps my face and turns it to hers and screams a piercing shriek. I scream in horror as her face is rotting and terrifying. After this I wake up, concluding that in the dream I have died and that has woken me or the fear of what will come next has been enough to return me to consciousness.
Yet with these dreams and nightmares of spirits, this waking up to find the physical manifestation of the object of my terror, standing at my door, still not disappearing no matter how many times I blink my self awake. I still can not believe in God. I cannot believe in any more than action leading to consequence. I cannot believe the simple belief that there is someone looking out for human kind. Someone who we are designed in his image. Someone who wants us to be happy and live good lives.
But it has come to my attention, that there maybe fault in my prayer. I always pray to God, but never to Jesus. It originally started off as habit, as during prayer at school, We always prayed to God, occasionally Jesus, but mostly God. Yet I find it hard to pray to Jesus. It just doesn't sound right. Perhaps subconsciously I do not believe in Jesus but only God and that is stopping me from being heard by the Lord.
After this long varied blog, I think this internal argument has resulted in me believing again, but not strongly, as in these recent years I have lost faith quite easily and have found it challenging to hold on to.
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