LOL i can do matrix ^.^

Haha, maybe God is keeping an eye on me. I do say at times how I lose faith and sometimes simply don't believe in him, yet when my heart is heavy and cannot sleep I pray.

I've dodged a bullet here. Interestingly enough, I've found two people quite similar and it surprised me how alike they really are, especially in their nature. I know now why events have unfolded as they have. I've learned something from this, a very valuable lesson. That could have turned out to be a much harsher lesson, should I have gone against my instincts and gone straight with my emotions.

Every personality, no matter how positive has their negatives.

~It all has balance~

Few.

I hold a great deal of respect for you, but I've realised we are two very different people, I tried to be like you. But that didn't really work to well, so I'm going to follow the path that I was given. No matter how few have followed it, because I remember now how I was proud of who I was. So no more following, no more being something so easily molded. I'm going to be what I was supposed to be, no matter how daunting it appears.

Endless days.

I know I said I'd stop blogging, I know this may make me a hypocrite, but I guess I need to vent. I think this is selfish, but I hope you'll forgive me.

I'm trapped in a world of endless days, the only possible end I can see is myself on a dirt road on my knees. Right before I hit the ground dead. So I'm just walking on bleeding feet, on this endless road. 

I'm disgusted with who I am right now, it's past experiences who have made me who I am. This isn't my true nature to be this... whatever this is but Changing back to how I was is hard. Yet I still don't know how to deal with it.

From my first time here I've been taken advantage of, trodden on, had my spirit broken countless times and had trust in people at first cracked then completely shattered. But I've learnt to live with this, but I still can't deal with the issue.

If I don't defend myself and wear my heart on my sleeve, I end up broken. If I defend myself I end up becoming blind unable to tell Friend from enemy and end up back to where I started.

~I can't tell the difference between a helping hand and a fist to the face~

And yes I know, I know. But it seems real enough to me.

:)

~A hero of war, yeah that's what I'll be, and when I come home, they'll be damn proud of me, I'll carry this flag to the grave if i must, because it's a flag that I love and a flag that I trust~

LOL song's making me feel very patriotic :D 

R.I.P.  Pa Jimmy and all the others who died in the great wars in my family :)

Anywaysssss.... enough about my family's contribution in the wars.

SO, I now know what the problem is and I really have known all along but have ignored it and have tried to believe it's something else but there's no denying the truth. But along with this I've realised there is no need for this blog. This will be my final post  or at least til I find a suitable reason to post again. As there is no point yapping on about my problems when I don't really think I have an audience, only a few close friends whom I could easily tell them if something was bothering me. Plus this blog's purpose is quite selfish.

So I'm off, I've realised my own Desiderata for those of you who are familiar with the poem 'Desiderata'.  And so now it's time to be judged by my actions not my words.

Dreams of sickening panic.

I've fallen off a cliff.

I might've been pushed I'm not sure. But what I do know is I'm falling.

In this dream it's dark and there is no light anywhere, I see my freinds faces as I'm falling. I stretch my hand out to grasp theirs So maybe they can catch me and save me from death at the bottom of this plummet. But I notice it, and they can see that i've noticed in my eyes. That they havn't stretched out their hands. I can see that the hands of my friends that i grasped for, are by their sides. straight by their sides. Faces not even turned.

Strife.

Sorry I've neglected posting a blog in so long, I've been trying to work out what to say for a long time now. At the moment on my blogger account I have like 50 drafts for one entry. This isn't that entry, but just something for the meantime.

But this is what I'm going to do.

~I ain't gonna suffer like this, just because it fits well for you. I'm having my redemption, whether or not it involves you.~

Today I didn't have the strength to go on, but I'm glad I found that hand to pull me up. I now have that invigoration I desperately needed and I'm going to continue. Be who I am and if I can get things back to how they were, good for me but it will not be a conscious effort. But til then I'm going to enjoy my time with everyone and not let these things ruin these few remaining days of our time here together.

kokoro.

I don't have anything to say. There's no point talking about anything because nothing has changed. It's the same since the start, all these epiphanies and revelations have equated to nothing. I haven't changed anything, haven't changed myself, any one else, my surroundings or my situation. I've tried to do so much but have nothing to show for it, nothing has changed and I've made no difference and along with the identity crisis, there is now lack of purpose because I have repeatedly failed at what I have aspired to do. It isn't a single failure but a group of failures made over and over and over again. Each time, a different method, a different approach, a different path, a reoccurring result.