Salute.

I have been humbled.

I have once again found wisdom in the words of others.

:)

Help me.

I am so confused.

I have lost my faith, I'm such a doubting Thomas.

I find it so hard to believe in something that I cannot have any connection with. I have never seen proof or even an inkling that God exists, I can see possible reasons why I have seen no proof. Perhaps the Lord no longer intervenes with the Earth, but has given us complete responsibility over the Earth and simply left us to our own devices. Maybe he will intervene at the end of the world, it would seem fitting.

Yet I find it so hard to believe, every prayer has been left unanswered. Every night I've cried and prayed, I have only been comforted by the fact that I am now too tired to do anything but sleep.

Yet I have seen things which do not make sense, I have had dreams of scary and supernatural things. I have woken up to find physical attributes to my dreams and nightmares, I have woken up to see that same unknown woman from my slumber. I remember so clearly, the very image of her was pale. I blinked because I did not believe my eyes, I looked again, she was still there. I blinked again she continued to stare then turned away and walked away from my sight.

I have never admitted to anybody. That I have been scared. Only when concerning that woman have I opened my mouth to admit that I am scared. But when I do see her, I am terrified. In my dreams she is a demon, but when I see her apparitions she is a ghost or an angel, who has no obvious intention to cause me harm.

When I was young, whenever I was sick, I would have a nightmare. I was isolated and in an enclosed space, being screamed at by a intimidating voice. At the time the only logical thing in my dream that I could make sense of, was my father yelling at me, because he was the often the one who yelled at me. The isolation I felt, I interpreted that to be myself marooned on a block of ice floating in the middle of an ocean, because I remember the piercing cold I felt and during this nightmare and I was blind. So to sum it up, I was blind on an chunk of ice being screamed at, and feeling incredibly enclosed and having little freedom to move.

As i got older the nightmare changed and details were added.

It's too tedious for me to go through them as they occurred so I will some up the current version of the nightmare.

The screaming has turned to that of a woman, I am no longer blind it is simply to dark for me to see. The isolation has turned to a long corridor, a very narrow corridor. I'm walking down it, with one hand on the wall. I can feel flaking paint and a thing layer of ice on the wall, which slowly numbs my hand. But the screaming is absent until the end of the nightmare, as I walk down this corridor it is dead silent, except for the sound of my hand brushing against the wall , my walking and my breathing. As I reached the end of this corridor I got the feeling I was soon to the end, how I came to that conclusion, I do not know. But then I feel immense fear and hear the heavy breathing of that woman. I run knowing who it is. But then I am frozen still unable to move. The woman proceeds to go up side and continue to breath heavily. I cannot turn my head, so as I feel her hot breath on my ear and neck, she grasps my face and turns it to hers and screams a piercing shriek. I scream in horror as her face is rotting and terrifying. After this I wake up, concluding that in the dream I have died and that has woken me or the fear of what will come next has been enough to return me to consciousness.

Yet with these dreams and nightmares of spirits, this waking up to find the physical manifestation of the object of my terror, standing at my door, still not disappearing no matter how many times I blink my self awake. I still can not believe in God. I cannot believe in any more than action leading to consequence. I cannot believe the simple belief that there is someone looking out for human kind. Someone who we are designed in his image. Someone who wants us to be happy and live good lives.

But it has come to my attention, that there maybe fault in my prayer. I always pray to God, but never to Jesus. It originally started off as habit, as during prayer at school, We always prayed to God, occasionally Jesus, but mostly God. Yet I find it hard to pray to Jesus. It just doesn't sound right. Perhaps subconsciously I do not believe in Jesus but only God and that is stopping me from being heard by the Lord.

After this long varied blog, I think this internal argument has resulted in me believing again, but not strongly, as in these recent years I have lost faith quite easily and have found it challenging to hold on to.

Wrath.

You are infuriating, you are aggravating, you are the reason for my frustrations. You are my brothers.

that first sentence I wrote in anger and it has been..........two anddd a half hours and after much arguing, talking, yelling, etc it's all good. Apologies for my crazy moods but those kids send me coo-coo bananas, seriously it wouldn't be so bad if it was just one or two brothers, but three is just a tad too much for me to handle with out showing undiluted emotion. Normally I'm against hiding emotion or not showing it, but with my brothers its simply better to disregard them and focus my attention else where and let my emotions lose their intensity and to be lost in my activities. BUT ANYWAY, I talked with my dad and he made things seem way easier/better where as my mum thought I was criticizing her parenting when that wasn't my goal. Hehe now I know where I get my 'thin skin' from. But now I see thing clearer. Another thing I know is that dad is too laid back and mum is too uptight. My position on that scale is varied. I swing from side to side although in recent years I've been more towards the uptight side, so I just need to relax and find a good mix. Ironically enough, that seems to be the main problem for all my issues. Balance. Balance of emotions, balance of activities, balance of faith, balance of just about anything that can be balanced.

My heart still pounds, I'm breathing now, I won't fall down!

Friends.

Freaky dreams...againnnn

I can't even remember what happened before hand but all I remember is you being there. You were upset that you didn't feel yourself. I said

"don't worry, your heart will come back" as I leaned back. Then I noticed you weren't standing behind me anymore. You were in front of me and said "but yours won't". Then you preceded to plunge your hand in to my chest and in rip my heart out in a fountain of blood.

At least it wasn't the banshee dream again, so i guess that's good?

lol.

One thousand shrieks and salty tears. Enough of which to drown my fears!

hehe I think I might have a taste for something ;P

haha it makes me sooooo energetic I might actually crave it, I wanna scream, sing, dance, jump and play along to it.

I'm full of Affinities and parallel opposites ;D

♪ Tell all my friends I said goodbye! Clenched teeth and fluttering eyes! ♫

repeat the cycle a million and one fucking times.

You know what. I think I've had enough, it wouldn't be so sad if it all ended. It would be a little bit of a let down but it seems like it would save me a lot of strain.

It's too hard, life just isn't life anymore, life for me is just a draining and empty existence. Sure you might get some results back, but really does anybody care? I know I don't. I don't care for the stupid letter they give you for your work, I don't care if it's an A or a C. It all just seems really pointless; you work, you get a mark, you move on and it repeats it self over and over and over again. I don't gain anything from it nor do I gain anything for anyone else, I don't feel any happier just fatigue and relief.

It sucks.

rawr.

Don't fucking think everyone to be so blind, I can't believe you're actually getting on my nerves. You don't deserve to warrant my attention so don't be so god damn bold and proud about it.

okay i've raged. im good now lmao